Brothers in Arms: Road to Epic Failure 
Was flipping through a game manual looking for a scrap of info and I cam across an add for a new World War II game. Nothing new, they have thousands of ‘em out there. This one looked retarded for a couple of reasons. The image depicts an epic scene where a hero is seen carrying a wounded comrade WHILE blasting the krauts with a one-handed thompson (would love to see someone try that) And can someone please tell me why he is lugging his wounded pall into a (epic) fire fight? The only reason my crazed mind can think up is that he plans to use his buddy as a meat shield. The cold stare pasted on his ugly face reveals that this is true. This man is indeed disturbed. The background yields yet another disturbing picture. An obviously physically(and/or)mentally handicapped soldier is attempting to leap in the air. Guess the army took in anyone back then. What? These guys trying to funny by throwing handicaps in the line of fire? Sick. Just Sick. Shame on them!More like road to failure if you ask me. Then something more caught my eye. Scrawled under rambo were the words, “Based on a true story”..?I guess the game designers think the kiddies are losing their grip on our history, and they have to remind them that this “wonderful” game is based on a bit of our history. Reminds me of my brother martin who when asked while playing Call of Duty II who he was fighting and why, he answered, “It doesn’t matter idiot, as long as there is random shooting involved it is a good game.” The German Test of ‘06:Although I studied for more than four hours the other day, the test I took this morning proved to be more than a match for my knowledge on the this language known as German. I arrived early to I could cram in a precious 10 min of studying, but I found whatever I looked at bounced right off my coffee fueled mind. I was ready, so I thought. My teacher the came the room, and the moment I saw her long black leather boots she was wearing I knew something was wrong. Horribly wrong. The test was passed out, and we were forced to listen to a couple speaking in german, and then answer some questions about what they said. Before she started the tape she said with a maniac grin,”Oh, they speak kind of fast.” That was an understatement. These were Germans on speed, and this was made even more obvious when the subject of their conversation was Ostereich (sorry, I forgot the english name of the country) architecture. Oh the silly things people talk about when they are on drugs. Ever hear the Angry German Computer Kid on youtube or something? Yeah. As I moved on I made the disturbing discovery that I forgot the word bridge, and to be famous. Maybe it is because I blew all the bridges in Germany to pieces in Company of Heroes. By then I was in a coffee induced rush, and when I came to something that required me to think things out, my mind was moving far to fast to slow down, so it hurt to take time and think. The test got harder and harder, while under the maniac gaze of my teacher. I wanted more than anything to scream “What is is crap? We aren’t jews!” because I knew deep down, those boots she was wearing weren’t there for fashion. I saved the writing section for last and moved onto the true and false section. I loved those, so easy. Not this time. It was a trap. A trap that wasted valuable time. There were 6 questions. 5 of them were false, and I had to search the page of information to find that it wasn’t even there. My teacher then told us we had 5 minutes left. Can I get a sieg heil with that? I had one section left, the writing. I had to write a story about me visiting a big city, all in past-perfect tense. If only I knew what that was. So I stuck everything in the past tense, which wasn’t too hard. To sum up the story I wrote, Paul, Aaron and I went on a weekend trip to Regensburg. We went into a church. Then we went swimming in a river. Das alles. I know I did not fail it, but I cant hope for an A either. I have too much to worry about in Chem and Anatomy to study German as much as I need to, and I am afraid this is only the beginning.Noob Rant
Noobs…
Oh the Noobs.
I hate them. And at the same time, I love them to death.
In recent years, the gaming industry has sky-rocketed. With this came a multitude of online games, where you are able to methodically murder others across the cyberspace world. 
With one vs. one games, came multi player games. That is when the n00bs began to emerge…
At first, no one cared if they were fighting against a sucky player, it was an easy win. But when these players began relying on n00bs to help them win the game, that’s when the pain began.
We are all n00bs at one time, and the time it takes to graduate from being a n00b and move onto the bigger world of competitive gaming is different for all of us.
However… there are those… many… who seem to never graduate, and forever remain n00bs. Forever ruining games.
As with the many types of games out there, there are many different kinds of n00bs, and each offers their own special kind of torment. With every type and situation though, n00bs can make the game hilarious.
First Person Shooter n00bs:
First person shooter games offer a challenge of hand eye coordination, knowledge of the terrain and weapons being used. Some FPS’s offer the chance to drive vehicles, fly aircraft, and man turrets of death and destruction. Sadly, there are many who venture onto the field of battle with a level of hand eye coordination that rivals a blind senior citizen. And when vehicles capable of mass destruction are introduced to these sad individuals… the carnage never ceases. Neither do the laughs. There are many types of n00bs in these FPS games, so I will list the most common (and hideous) ones.
Foot soldier n00b:
These characters will either roam aimlessly and endlessly throughout the map, or sit in one place doing gosh knows what. The reason they seem to be lost is because they are, they don’t know where the heck they are going. They just hope they find an enemy so they can (try to) shoot at them. Sometimes they venture off the map, and due to the fact that deserters are shot on sight, they die in probably the most retarted way. Occasionally the boredom of wandering without finding an enemy gives rise to a EXTREMELY serious condition known as “Amateur-Team Killing” It is just that, a n00b version of team killing. They attempt to target their own allies, usually achieving only their own death. However, when the other player puts the n00b where he belongs,on the ground in a pool of his own blood, he is usually kicked from the server for team killing, even if he just removed a thorn from the team’s side. When a n00b happens upon an enemy, either by finally finding one or by following an allie to the fight, he will attempt to engage him in combat. This is when the laughing begins. Foot soldiers are usually armed with an automatic weapon, which offers the ability to lay down volleys of bullets with a high rate of fire. However, the harsh re-coil of these weapons quickly will throw the users aim off. n00bs do not seem to understand this concept. They open fire in the general direction of the enemy, unloading the entire magazine. Pretty soon they are shooting at the sky or already being pumped full of lead. Usually the n00b will stand still while shooting, right out in the open. Sometimes the n00b will even ignore the fact that he is being shot at, and will keep on running until he has his head aired out. Lastly, foot soldier n00bs usually do not know they are carrying more than one weapon, and will never discover where the enemy and his allies are coming up with these grenades and pistols. And when they do find out they have grenades tied to them… I will let your mind wander on that one.
Sniper n00bs
Probably the most hated group of mine, they have recently made my favorite class frowned upon and even considered the n00b class. The art of sniping is quite alluring to players. The thought of picking off soldiers with a high powered rifle from a tall building without being seen drives n00bs into a frenzy. Snipers in BF2 are very common, but finding one that actually kills more than he is killed is very rare. It is normal now to look up at the top of the highest building in the city and see 5 snipers standing there. However, if your an enemy, you have nothing to worry about. Walking across the open plaza beneath the tower of death is no sweat, you just need to ignore the shots hitting the ground in a 30 ft radius around you. They just royally suck at aiming. Thing is… they don’t even know they suck. They also don’t seem to know that you can lay down, and instead stand in the middle of the street aiming a hefty rifle at you, firing as fast as he can pull the trigger. The only thing that is good about these n00bs is that they make excellent targets for an enemy sniper, as all he needs to do is go to a spot that gives a good view of the tallest building, and it is bound to be top heavy with n00bers.
The Fly Boys:
When high speed aircraft and helicopters (especially the helicopters…) were introduced to the game, the n00bs were drawn to them. They were ‘cool’ in their eyes. However… it is very difficult (even for me) to fly these things. Thus born the most annoying and laughable type of n00bs, the fly boys. Fly boys only play the game to fly. That’s all they can do, fly. And still, they cant even do that. They will start the game at the nearest airfield. Because there are very few aircraft on each map, massive herds of flyboys group on the airfield, much like a band will draw in mindless fans. It has become a sport to launch weapons of mass destruction at airfields, as you will most likely achieve a hight death count. Snipers also venture to these airfields, and love to pick off the flyboys as they scamper around the airfield wondering why they are dieing. Funny thing is, they don’t know how to fight back, even the ACE dawgs that rule the skys cant lift a finger in ground combat. Once a fly boy finally gets ahold of an aircraft, the fun begins. All they want to do is fly, and they have little or no idea what exactly they are going to do once they get airborne, and how they heck they will help the time leave. But they done it, they have their plane. As soon as the fly boy hears the jet scream to life, his senses are overrun with excitement. Once he is in the air, he is the happiest kid in the world, even if he is getting shot to pieces. He roars across the sky, and pretty soon he wants to try some 1337 stunts. However, the slightest attempt to redirect the path of the aircraft other than straight ahead will cause the n00b to plummet to his death. There is nothing more funny than witnessing a jet come rocketing down from the sky, usually upside down, and smashing into the ground, followed by a chat msg along the lines of “o crap!1 lololol” or “wtf???/loll”. You can eject from these flying coffins, but most n00bs are brave and go down with the ship. Either that or they dont know how to jump out, and when they do, they usually dont use the parachute… Think about it, they board a combat jet without knowing how to use a parachute. The entire time the n00b is arborn, he is usually laughing like a maniac out loud Then begins the wait in line again. If his airfield is overrun by the enemy and no longer yields aircraft for him to crash, he will quit the game and join another server where his team has not yet failed him. Thus is the life of a fly boy.
Vehicle n00b
Like jets that can pull off mach-3, 20 ton tanks also draw in the n00b crowd. They are loud, heavy, fast, and big. A n00bs dream. Like Aircraft n00bs, these guys will attempt to locate the nearest tank, jeep, HUMVEE, or APC. Heck, anything with wheels. Once they found their wheels, they will drive out of the base in a fashion much like a drunk driver would. They plow through anything, be it allies or walls. It is best to stay away from these n00bs, as they seem to think they have the right of way when they come barreling down the street into the fight, and usually crush many of their own team under the treads of their 20 ton tank. Most vehicles offer surprisingly powerful firepower, and when a n00b suddenly gains that power, the results are either devastating or pathetic. Once in a tank, the visibility is reduced, and so is the n00bs ability to distinguish friend or foe. It has happened to me many a time when I blow cover to run across the street, only to have my body flung 15 yards from a shell fired from a friendly tank. Either that, or the n00bs completely waste what they are driving. Sadly, some maps require a strong armored force to counter the enemy as well as spearhead attacks, such as Karkand. If this armored force is commanded by n00bs, it is hard to win. Some n00bs drive like senior citizens, and pretty soon find themselves stuck inside rubble, barriers, walls, buildings, allies, trees, rocks, allied tanks and the like. Once stuck they attempt to escape, while being smashed in from all sides from anti-tank fire. Even if they aren’t in combat, n00bs will abandon their tanks when they drive into a ditch or off a cliff. Some even seem to think tanks can float. Some n00bs even manage to flip their tank over. Gamers still do not know how they do that. What makes the vehicle n00bs so bad is the fact that they cause team kills in hideous amounts. Engineers are able to repair damaged vehicles by walking up to it and whipping out his trusty monkey wrench. Sadly, some n00bs tend to forget that there is a kind engineer right behind his tank, and smash him flat when they go in reverse. Now comes the Engineers worse nightmare. Most engineers know that n00bs + tank + anti-tank mines = Severe pain. Engineers are able to plant anti-tank mines to keep enemy tanks from hauling it through their base, smashing everything in its path. However, the mines cannot distinguish friends from foe, and will detonate when an allie runs over them with a vehicle just as it would an enemy. n00bs usually barrel down streets and open fields as fast as the vehicle they are driving can take them, and ignore the huge red skull and crossbones icon that shows on their screen indicating that there is a friendly mine nearby. The engineer sees what is going to happen and starts screaming in chat “MINES! I MINED THE STREET! GET BACK!” The n00b doesn’t seem to notice this and the engineer watches helplessly as the tank is blown apart. The engineer gets a team kill for this, and sometimes two to five more if there is a friendly in the tank or APC. This will cause the engineer’s score to go into the negatives, and maybe even a kick from the server. Ah.. Vehicle n00bs…Now sadly there are many more types of n00bs out there. However, there is an opposite end of the spectrum. These people are not good at the game, they ARE the game. They breathe it, feel it, smell it. They are one with the game.I do not associate myself as one of these beings, and I can never hope to achieve their level greatness. These individuals are given no name, and are spoken of in hushed tones.I will break the silence and describe several of the types that one might encounter. But hope that you will never meet one of these beings in combat, for they will leave you an awe.Red Baron/ACE:
These individuals rule the sky’s with an iron fist, riding a mythical chariot that spews death and destruction. They begin the game much like a aircraft n00b, at the airfield. But do not confuse them with a n00b. You never see them, nor hear them, until it is too late. Although they fly jets that create a rather loud noise, they are able to strike from above and disappear into the sky’s with little or no trace, leaving destruction in their wake. Witnessing one of these attacks is truly an awesome sight. One such time I glanced up at the death screen, and noticed that a certain player was killing off my allies at an alarming rate with a jet. So I haul it to the nearest Anti-Aircraft gun so I can defend myself. The AA gun is able to track jets with a sensor, and a box will appear over the jet when it is locked on along with a beeping noise. I scanned the sky’s for the assailant, but got nothing. It was only when I looked straight up that a box appeared, accompanied by the sound of an approaching jet. He was coming at me from above. Before I could squeeze off a shot he already had the entire area bombed to kingdom come. He then made a 360 right before he hit the ground and rocketed back into his home in the sky. In 5 secs, he killed my entire squad as well as me, and vanished from sight. Scary…
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